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The Bearded Man used to have a particularly horrifying recurring dream. You might laugh, but don’t. He’s not here for your entertainment, ok? So, he wakes up to the smell of cheap, cardboard-smelling french fries and strange cinnamon buns that smell like sawdust. Where is he? You guessed it, IKEA of course! They got everything right but not their terrible, terrible, dreadful airplane food. Come on Sweden, we thought you were better than that! In any case, that’s not where the dream gets freaky, that’s just a normal day in IKEA. So The Bearded Man goes to section one, and then begins the maze of perfect plastic products. Only this maze doesn’t end. Everywhere he turns, he sees one cardboard cutout of a perfect couple and then another. This one is 9 months pregnant! How cute! These ones are strolling around with their two beautiful blonde-haired babies in a stroller. How nice! “Oh! Do you think this knife block will match well with the curtains in the kitchen?” “Yes dear! I’m so happy with you here, at IKEA, my favorite place on Earth!” And later… “Hey hon, do you think little Timmy will like this dresser? He can put his bubble gum and playing cards in there. It’s even magnetic so he can post his straight-A report card on it! Yayyyyy!!” And everywhere he turned, he just got deeper… and deeper… and deeper into the horrific beast. Tea Cozies to the left, squeegees to the right… Oh, look at this nice bathmat designed by the industrious Oscar Karlsson and his very productive team! They look so happy, and they *clearly* love working together at IKEA and their 25 weeks of paid holiday per year! And still, everywhere he ran, The Bearded Man just kept searching for something real. He’d wake up after a few hours of this soul-crushing nightmare, but he will say one thing: at least the music in the store was always decent, no matter how creepy the experience became.

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