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It’s been said at least 5 times that The Bearded Man doesn’t spend time with anyone who isn’t beautiful. Ever. Not one second. Not even at the Post Office. Not even on the Metro. He simply refuses to do it. Fortunately, he has a fairly inclusive and transcendent view on what makes someone “beautiful”. And while he’ll never tell you his personal definition of the word, he will state that outward appearance is but one small factor in his assessment of another human being. Sure, The Bearded Man has enemies — most cool people do — but even his *enemies* are beautiful. That’s how strict his policy is. Don’t get him wrong, many of his enemies are truly, genuine, horrific pieces of sh**, but still, they are beautiful to him for one extremely important reason: Only through his enemies has The Bearded Man ever learned life’s hardest lessons, and even though it was rough at the time, he’s always grown as a beard because of them.

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